February 8, 2012
Lament
Have you ever wanted to just tell God how you really felt? I’ve read so many laments in the Psalms and throughout the Bible…Godly men and women crying out to God and basically saying, “THIS SUCKS!!” of course they are also the same people who write psalms to give God his praise when He delivers them or tells them off in response (i.e. the book of Job..)
I wrote a lament and have faith that I will soon write a psalm…
LAMENT
I know you are good
be good to us!
I know you are faithful
be faithful to us!
I know you are righteous
defend us!
I know you are merciful
be merciful to us!
I know you are Jehovah Jireh
provide for us!
For you have crushed us and we are broken down in body and spirit. Our hearts are torn and you have broken our backs. We have cried out to you for rescue and wonder ‘where have you gone?’. Have you abandoned your servants? Have you forgotten your covenant? Have you turned your back on us when we need you the most? Are you trying our love for you? What more can we do than what we have already done? What more will you ask of us?
We have given everything for you!
We have been tested body, mind and soul for your Kingdom!
We have not cursed you, we have not withheld our praise.
We feel alone.
Our tears never stop falling.
Our hearts never feel whole.
Our body aches inside our bones as we wait for your deliverance.
Deliver us!
Our prayers continue day and night and every moment in between.
Our spirits cry out for rest and long for peace.
Rescue us!
I know you are good
be good to us!
I know you are faithful
be faithful to us!
I know you are righteous
defend us!
I know you are merciful
be merciful to us!
I know you are Jehovah Jireh
provide for us!
You are God our Father the everlasting and truthful one. Your name brings hope. Your hand brings protection. Your face lifts our countenance. We can breathe again when you turn our way.
Rescue us our Lord and King!
Wipe the tears
Heal our hearts
Ease our burden
Restore our joy
Honor our faith
Redeem the time lost
Make our bodies whole
Give rest to our minds
Bring peace to our home
Do what only you can do
In your kindness, Lord, rescue us!
July 3, 2011
to do or not to do?
Recently I’ve been going through a sort of life-crisis. Nothing too big, just a little nervous breakdown and financial hard times paired with strained relationships and cramped living quarters. I picked up a book at the beginning of all this called Weird and in this book the author begins “strumming my pain with his fingers, singing my life with his words, killing me softly with his song, killing me softly with his song….”
As I read about the pressures he was facing in his life, the anxiety crept up inside of me and I could literally feel myself tensing up and after a few paragraphs I noticed I was holding my breath. I have only gotten through the first two chapters and already I have made significant changes in my everyday life. I made a to-don’t list and stopped doing things that I didn’t need to be doing. I told myself I was removing the stress and that by not doing my etsy shop and piano lessons and extra cleaning …that I was going to be happier and my mind was going to be lighter and more carefree. I’d have real time to read and play with the kids and write and knit for myself…
But now I’m just stressed about not doing anything. If i sit down to knit then I’m overcome with anxiety about what I could be doing. “I should really be washing something or emailing someone. I’m being lazy and selfish. That’s bad.” how did this backfire? where did i go wrong? if my day isn’t jam packed with things to do then I find myself agitated with the kids and bored to death and wasting time playing Plants vs Zombies instead of…instead of WHAT!? if I’m not supposed to DO anything yet can’t stand NOT doing anything….WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?? and why am i awake at 2:48am?
I feel God in all this, i really do. I feel torn apart at the seams. A couple of weeks ago I took a personality test and was distraught when the results came back the same as they were a year ago. i thought i changed. I thought I’d be more extroverted and sensitive to people and that my gifting of mercy was sky high by now. I thought I was working on being someone else..you know, the RIGHT person. but was i even supposed to change?
or am i exactly how He wants me to be?
I can question everything I do and everything I am, but in the end you never really change do you? None of us do. And as I type this I understand that I wasn’t supposed to change, I was supposed to go back to being myself.
I am a late night writer who thrives on creativity, I love having complete autonomy in my life and I do not care what people think about me. I am blunt with my honesty but loving in my delivery. I have an incurable sweet tooth and caffeine keeps the blood running through my veins. I’m confident enough to make decisions quickly and I’m stubborn enough to stick to them. I’m introverted and I would spend all my money on books and craft supplies if I could. I love my family more than anything or anyone on earth. My husband is first in my life and he should see me at my most loving and vulnerable. I’m going to give him my nicest moods and serve him first. My children will only be small for a very little while so I’m going to do sidewalk chalk with them and go to the park and read books in the afternoons and take long trips to the library. the rest of the world can go straight to my to-don’t list. I truly believe God made me and that my way of perceiving the world is just what it should be. I also believe that only God can help me change the wrong perceptions I have and alter them to look like the ones He has. I am optimistic enough to continue on this journey and realistic enough to know that hard times are always just around the corner. I have enough faith to dream and I have enough wisdom to make a plan B.
I am me.
May 3, 2011
called to be me
Last Thursday we attended our District Council in Houston where I received my Ordination as a minister. They gave me a new study Bible engraved and bigger than my baby. 🙂 It was a very humbling ceremony and I feel…..heavier somehow. A new weight has been placed on my heart and new dreams are about to come true.
I need to think about my old dreams for a second, though. Pulling out my list of resolutions I see that I have much to do. May is upon us and I still need to submit some writing, travel, knit a sweater, and paint the canvas. Crap. I have ALL of them left to do!
What have I been doing!? oh yeah, life. Life doesn’t allow for much travel or painting or writing or knitting sweaters. These things take time and unless I carve some of that precious stuff out of my life, I’ll never get these things done. It’s May 3rd and although I’ve thought about each of these things and worked a little on starting them…nothing has come to light.
I feel a little depressed about my lack of resolutionizing but I do know that I haven’t been just sitting around all day eating bon-bons either. So.
I think I’ll start cutting some things out of my weekly list to create more down time. Things like laundry and bathing the children…..
Ok. I actually know what I need to do. I need to stop making time and things for other people and need to start knitting myself a sweater. I need to stop caring what’s on Facebook and start writing my own book. I need to stop thinking about what I’m going to paint and just pull out whatever I have and slap it on that canvas. I need to stop acting like travel is only something you can do out of state and start realizing that travel is any time you get out to explore your own town, find a new shop, eat somewhere new, explore a new park or city event. Isn’t that what I’d be doing anyway!? I have really enjoyed Houston and Galveston and Kemah, places that other people travel to! fancy that….. 🙂
let’s do this!
April 13, 2011
bored with life part 2 ~ unbored
I’m happy to report that I took some of my own advice and tweaked my life a little.
1. Vacate. Well, I couldn’t hop on a plane, but the kids and I decided to test drive the new Crayola colored bubbles and had a gloriously messy afternoon in the sun. In the end it looked like we had been in a paintball fight so I grabbed the hose and went after the kids and then sunbathed for a few minutes like I was a silly teenager again. My skincare line is working overtime now, but hey, it was worth it!
2. I carded my own fiber and even though i had no idea what I was doing or whether it will come out looking right, I really enjoyed just going at something and having fun mixing things up. I’m looking forward to spinning the fiber soon and may post some pics of the finished product.
3. I remembered. I took a good long look at what I do and why I do it. And I remembered that I chose my line of work because I was grateful. Grateful for mercy and grateful for a second chance at life, to do things right, to make the right choices, to help others along the way. When faced with why I started down this road of being Reverend Mrs., I came full circle to the beginning..to the person I once was. I remembered how indebted I felt to God for being so kind and gracious towards me. I had to give something back, even if it was only my life.
I’m glad to say that my perspective has shifted once again. Away from myself and all the things cluttering my creativity and happiness. And it’s now on making things new again. Starting out fresh and enjoying the restful afternoons and the busy mornings spent planning and talking with friends.
It’s all very unboring.
April 5, 2011
bored with life
ever feel so bored with life? like everything has lost it’s challenge or has become old and moldy and really annoying? hobbies are just blah, work has lost its challenge, the things you used to enjoy in your daily routine are just….lackluster and redundant.
now what to do? where to make the appropriate changes so that you don’t screw up other people’s lives or your own but still find a way to make things new and exciting (or at least interesting) again?
here are some things I’m considering doing and maybe you’d like to consider them too:
1. Vacate. get away from all the normal stuff and take a real and serious break from everything. go away! for an afternoon, day, weekend, week, month….DO IT and when you come back…the absence will have helped your heart grow fonder.
2. unplug. don’t open the computer several (thousand) times a day. let the phone notify you all it wants as it sits under the couch just out of reach. leave the ipad/touch/phone/pod alone. do a puzzle instead. go to the park with the kids. READ A STINKIN’ BOOK! better yet, read a favorite childrens book that you loved when you were little and the world was whatever you wanted it to be.
3. try something new. pick up a new hobby. something that you never thought you’d be good at. you probably won’t be good at it but it will be fun.
4. find the reason. take some time to get alone and pray. ask God to remind why you are doing all the things that you are doing in the first place. ask Him to sincerely renew your passion for the things you should keep doing and give you new creativity for them. and then ask Him to give you peace about letting go of the things you just need to give up.
Sometimes life can be just so draining. Raising kids, helping people, doing something you love, keeping food on the table, having friends & family and answering every text that comes your way can really suck the life out of you. don’t do it anymore. it’s not worth it. we have one life and why waste it being tired and drained and stressed out? your life is worth loving.
and so is mine. I think I will take my own advice and do something out of the ordinary for me ………like go to bed.
Good night, darlings. See you in the morning when the world will be fresh once again!
January 7, 2011
“a million tiny pieces take a long time to put together”
supposed to be writing down an outline for what I am speaking on this Sunday. “supposed to” being the key phrase….
i know what i want to say. i know what i want to tell everyone. but i can’t seem to make a start of organizing it or putting it together in some way that will be better than me walking up there and saying “hey you! be a real christian for once and help somebody out! selfish jerks……………………………..let us pray.”
i wonder what would happen if i did that. maybe it would be more effective than starting out nicely like i usually do. well it would be the shortest message ever and most people would probably appreciate it since we aren’t having child care this Sunday.
in charlie and the chocolate factory as Mike TV floats over their heads in the Wonkavision room and his mom is freaking out about why he hasn’t appeared in the tv screen yet…charlie tells her “a million tiny pieces take a long time to put together”. he’s right.
these things take time and patience and prayer and waiting and mulling and thinking…..all things i don’t have! this week has been very busy and demanding. by the time i remembered that i WAS speaking on Sunday I had already planned my days and they tend to be full.
how do you hear God when life is crowding out His voice? how do you find a silent place when you are constantly surrounded? i have this constant image of myself running to the hills and sitting in a meadow or by a rippling brook…alone with just a notebook and silence. THEN i would be able to really hear God.
i don’t live by any hills at all or brooks or meadows. i do live by the coast but bikini-clad cellulite and roller skating dudes isn’t exactly my idea of solace and peace. where do i go?
i tried putting something down during the kids’ naptime. i got as far as two sentences…. I will try again tonight after their bedtime and hope that two more sentences come along.
here’s the thing…i do believe God is speaking amid the chaos of my everyday life and many times i do hear Him. Putting it into something that will be understandable and meaningful to my friends and church family is the hard part. How do i tell them what he is telling me without sounding confused? I am working through the things He is whispering in my ear and figuring out how to live what He is calling me to be. How do i get them to understand that He wants them to do the same?
hey you. be a real christian for once and help somebody out. let us pray.
i think it’s sounding better already….
November 7, 2010
breaking point.
i feel close to breaking my Daniel Fast…been going through a rough time and as I was telling my husband, I’ve been feeling that “something has to give”!
my emotions are raw, i’m on the verge of tears all the time….. my brain is fried, my heart is broken. i’m on no good sleep and have extra responsibilities to handle each day. I think I grew up 10 years in the past 4 days. I feel old. I want a brownie.
my husband has been so good with the Daniel Fast this week. He hasn’t allowed me to ‘cheat’ and eat something off the menu or give in to temptation. i’ve appreciated it very much after the fact and i’m glad that he is strong enough to help me do this, cause I really want to continue doing the fast.
tonight though, after our conversation he asked me, “do you want me to make you some hot chocolate?” and as much as i wanted to sit there and savor a nice steaming cup of hot chocolate on the couch at the end of a very long day….i knew. i knew that after i was done with it…everything would still be the same. nothing was going to change just because i had some hot chocolate….i don’t think i would have felt better either. not really, anyways.
so i realized that even though i may have these cravings for sweets or coffee or chicken strips……they aren’t what i need.
what i really need is for God to show up in my life in a miraculous way. what i need is His peace. what i need is healing in my heart and mind. i need to know He has not abandoned us.
so let the fast continue…
Reverend Mrs. 